An open letter to Chris Kattan...

Dear Mr. Kattan-

While we didn't get the chance to actually meet last night, I was the guy sitting at the end of the row at the 10:25 showing of The Hangover at the Arclight Hollywood. Sitting next to me was my girlfriend. We didn't plan on sitting near you and your crew (definitely wouldn't call it an entourage) but that's the way it all played out.

Our plan was to catch the 8:30 showing in the Dome but when my lady called at 8:25 to say she was stuck in traffic halfway across town we had to improvise a new plan.

Everything worked out for the best though because what was really just a lame mid-week attempt to see The Hangover before we became the last people in America to have not seen it turned into a nice little date night. We browsed through Borders and then went to one of our favorite spots, The Hungry Cat, to have a couple drinks and small plates before the movie.

Walking back into the theater we found ourselves caught up in the scrum that was leaving the show we meant to see. Everyone was laughing and having a great time- especially one guy who looked a lot like Quentin Tarantino. And that's one of the amusing things about life out here. Chances are, if someone looks enough like somebody they probably are that somebody. Sure enough, it was Mr. Tarantino and he seemed to be having a nice evening out. For a split second, I was tempted to ask if he had The Pussy Wagon parked in the garage since when Kill Bill was out I'd see him driving it around town on a pretty regular basis but really, that would have been dumb so I didn't.

When we entered the theater our seats were wide open and waiting for us. Getting to reserve your seats is reason enough to pay $14 a ticket. Plus, that extra couple bucks seems to do a good job of keeping the idiots away. There's something about paying $14 to see a movie that puts people on their best behavior.

Everyone except you.

Even though you were four seats away, it was very obvious every time you pulled out your Blackberry. Do you realize just how bright those things are in the dark? You might as well be waving a flashlight around.

The first couple times though were kind of OK. The movie was just starting and the stragglers were still filing in. Whatevs, right?

But when we're half an hour deep into the movie, is that really the right time to start taking pictures of your friends? I know The Hangover isn't exactly a suspenseful, edge-of-your-seat thriller but having an impromptu photo shoot during a screening is just disrespectful to those around you.

When you stumbled over us on your way to the bathroom, I made a comment about there being a heavy "Mango" factor hovering in the air around you. I think my exact words were "This guy's like f*cking Mango." My girlfriend, who is much smarter than myself, connected the dots and realized upon your return that you were in fact the person who brought Mango into the world.

Suddenly, everything that was so annoying about you became a lot more annoying because you'd think that as a performer you'd at least be a respectful audience member and not jump around in your seat like some man-child. We did appreciate you trying to show some courtesy when you put your coat over your head for one round of messaging. At least now we could amuse ourselves by speculating what you were writing- "Dear Agent: WTF happened to my career?"

Surely Corky Romano made you enough loot to afford your own screening room. Plus, shouldn't you have the crazy connects to get movies sent to you? Why go to the movies if you're just going to annoy everyone around you? Seriously, you could go see a movie at CityWalk and find a public schooled 13-year-old girl with better theater etiquette than you. I behaved myself when I saw Undercover Brother in the theater and when I'm at home and Night at the Roxbury comes on and I can't find the remote, I don't even yell at the TV all that loud. In fact, I've even tried to watch it a couple times.

Please Chris, next time you're out slumming it with with the masses, try to bring your manners along.

Sincerely,

The Annoyed Guy at the End of the Row

ps. I do sincerely and wholeheartedly apologize for the "I bet you wish you were in that movie" comment I made as the theater was clearing out. That was very immature and foolish. It's totally disrespectful to heckle a stranger even if they are a public figure who annoyed you for the better part of 90 minutes. Even a day later I feel terrible for saying that. In hindsight maybe it would have been better to slide over and start shaking you into submission like that panicked lady in Airplane! which was my original plan. Actually, that probably would have been worse because then the whole theater would have gotten involved.

pps. If you don't care to accept the official apology issued in the ps, I accept that and if you chose to do so, I will gladly engage in a feud with you. I've always wanted to be in a feud. I've already given it some thought and was thinking you could be Tupac and I could be Biggie. What do you think?